Who are you?

Its the moment that every relative and even professional carer dreads, the one that makes most people nervous just thinking about. When you go up to a person with dementia ready to share and talk about memories of the past and they simply reply ‘Who are you?’ or worse still they turn away and ignore you all together. In our practice as creative practitioners we have seen relatives look so disheartened and take the way their relatives react to them, so personally.

It can give you the sinking feeling in your stomach and make you automatically start personalising the situation, who wouldn’t? You start questioning the relationship you had with that person. Did I not mean anything? Why me and not him? Is it because of X, Y and Z?

Stop it doesn’t have to be like this!

Take a step back, the person who doesn’t remember you or ignores you is said to be doing one of two things; maybe they truly don’t remember you but this is something that is not under their control. The connections in the brain are like lightbulbs and without dementia they are all on, making connections. With dementia these lights are flickering and sometimes go off completely therefore not making the connection between your face and the fact that you are who you are. If this is what you think is happening then although every happy memory that you shared is no longer attached to you, neither are any negatives ones and so you can wipe the slate clean and enjoy your time together in the now. Above all remember it is not personal but you have been given an opportunity that many have never been given, a chance to start again with that person.

The other idea, particularly when someone with dementia ignores you, is that the person feels isolated and therefore is trying to show you what this might feel like. Although this may upset you; to feel that the person with dementia is so desperate that they have to start acting out, I would like to point out that you are the chosen one here. You are the one that the person feels will act upon finding this out and will support them to feel less isolated.

So if you think all is lost when someone with dementia ignores you or doesn’t remember you, think positively. You are the chosen one!

We will be address what practical things you can do, if this is happening to you, in our next blog.